Satire V

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WASHINGTON, D.C. -  To address the anti-LGBTQ+ bills in state legislatures around the country, Democrats in Congress have proposed the Sanctity In Marriage and Planetary Science (SIMPS) Act– a bill that seeks to outlaw heterosexual marriages. Congressman Jamie Raskin (D-MD) says, “Conservatives policymakers have made clear that sex and reproduction are controlled by the government. If Republicans can restrict homosexual marriages, we can ban heterosexual marriages. We are fighting f… (truncated)

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WASHINGTON, D.C.-  It happened to me, and it can happen to you. The feminist movement turned me gay. I was just an innocent, unsuspecting, completely heterosexual girl, straight as an arrow (granted I was always bad at archery, so my arrows always flew a little bit off path. In an arc, kind of like a rainbow. This was at my all-girls summer camp, which I REALLY loved!). I did one extra credit project on the history of gender equality in the United States to impress my really pretty… (truncated)

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CHICAGO, IL – “Goddammit, why did I have to write so many words?” During the intermission of her 174th show in her highly anticipated The Eras Tour, Taylor Swift scurries backstage to review the lyrics of her many songs. Although the artist has reached much success and fame, a key attribute of Taylor Swift is her relatability. Taylor emphasizes “I’m just like everyone else. I’m not perfect. Sometimes I forget the words– Oh sorry, I have to take this,” said Taylor, as her phone rang,… (truncated)

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Some day we'll have enough money to print in color :') SatV Print FINAL MAR 8, 2023.pdf SatV Print FINAL MAR 8, 2023.pdf © 2023 Category:  Harvard Tags:  print March 8 2023 print issue print Housing Day Housing Day 2023 vol 25

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Scü‡zđæłé, AZ– Last Tuesday, the Scottsdale Chamber of Commerce made a shocking announcement; in an effort to boost tourism income, the city would be changing its name to “Scü‡zđæłé” (Pronounced “Sc-out-ts-ts-dahl-e” or some other shit) effective January 1st, 2023. The name change is a bold move that has drawn criticism from numerous government officials, public figures, and surprisingly Ched Abbot, lead singer of the Wiggles. Suggestions for the change followed an independent surve… (truncated)

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Rumor has it, one lucky staff writer will be shot into space! I, Elon Reeve Musk (user verified because of subscription to SatireV Crimson), have purchased SatireV. You may be asking yourself, why are you doing this Elon? Why bother? You’re already so universally beloved by upper-middle-class dads, PS11 professors, and emerald mine stockholders? Why not spend some time with your eight kids? Well, after my latest successful endeavor in social media entrepreneurship, I came to an epip… (truncated)

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LMM 50: Jazz Hands Heyo illustrious soft-mores! I just wanted to hop on here to brag about how I just made the most important decision of my life—declaring a concentration! Boy, was this hard! Some people will claim that other life decisions are harder: whether or not to take grandma off life support, or if you should pull the lever so that a speeding trolley will kill your mom instead of seven strangers. But they’re wrong. Declaring a concentration is without a doubt the hardest ch… (truncated)

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No Girl Lizards Allowed! Harvard’s hottest and most exclusive final club, the Lizard Club, will soon welcome its newest punch class, which can only mean one thing: it’s time for the annual Taming of the Lizards punch initiation formal!  Attendance is invite-only, and invitations will be sent by The Lizard Man. If you see The Lizard Man standing outside your window, scaly arm and sharp claws pointing directly at your torso, and vertical pupils staring straight through your soul, you… (truncated)

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The combined net worth of the people in this picture is greater than the GDP of most countries Fall is in the air and oars are in the water! See, it’s that special time of year again when the leaves change, but the spectator’s political opinions never do! In honor of the most in-crew-dible weekend of the year, here are 8 fun facts about HOCR and rowing in general! 1. Dugout canoes, the great-great grandfather of today’s slick crew shells, are the oldest vehicle type in the world, wi… (truncated)

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Do you really even want to know? © 2022 Category:  Harvard Tags:  social flowchart helpful summer

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CAMBRIDGE, MA- On Monday, a reporter visited the dorm of Yura Naim (Y/N), an English 10 student refusing to read any literature on the course syllabus that was written in the second person.   Y/N's bright blue orbs were filled with emotion as she voiced her complaints, "It's like they have no respect for the boundaries between academic and personal life." Y/N's golden locks, thrown up in a messy bun, trembled as she spoke. "I want to read this stuff between 1 and 4am, under my blank… (truncated)

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Not Pictured: Corgi Canopic Jars CAIRO, Egypt—Days after Queen Elizabeth’s coffin was reported stolen from Westminster Abbey, the occupied casket resurfaced on display in a new exhibit at The Egyptian Museum in Cairo. The museum denied accusations of graverobbing. “This gallery explores death and the afterlife, something which holds particular significance and meaning for the modern English. Queen Liz’s tomb belongs on display where everyone can see it,” explained Dr. Hawass, a spok… (truncated)

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God's getting benched for sure after this one LONDON, England—Both Liverpool and Manchester fans were disappointed yesterday when, after a grueling 70 years on the pitch, God failed to save the Queen. “He’s just never failed us like this before!” cried one dismayed Englishman. “I’m pretty sure he was the one who told us to keep calm and carry on way back when things looked bleak in the first half.” It had been decades of plays during which God had kept a clean sheet in every possibl… (truncated)

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Right, wot's all this then? *Out of respect for British readers, this article was written in English Received Pronunciation. (Also known as a British dialect or the Queen’s English)* LONDON, England—Bockinghim Palaess ass joss towld us aboeut Lizzie n awll. Iss a murkin shaeme ‘at vuh old wanker ‘ad to keick thu krumpet sew sooen.  Oi! Woss Happ-pend is sum lads fink vuh queen dieyin iss uh bit sad n awll innit? Wyle tha reist uf os blokes seiy thvat witch woss ay bloody cheeky mupp… (truncated)

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Source: Poll of Harvard Government Concentrators MOSCOW, Russia — News that former Soviet Premier Mikhail Gorbachev died on August 30th was met with shock and sadness around the world – no place more so than his native Russia. Best known for liberal policies such as glasnost and a notable stint as a Pizza Hut spokesman, Gorbachev was a controversial figure due to his role in the dissolution of the Soviet Union as well as for his unwillingness to honor the “30 minutes or its free” ru… (truncated)

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"Hi! Is there a furry club on campus? And if not, can I start one?" - Megan Widener, Class of 2026 Nervous for First Year Orientation? Never fear! We here at the First Year Experience Office have compiled a list of answers to frequently asked questions for your convenience:  Q: Are tea kettles permitted  in the dorms? A: No. Ever since Samuel Adams (Class of 1740) led the Boston Tea Party, the Harvard Administration has been wary of permitting undergraduate students access to tea. I… (truncated)

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"I've learned my lesson. I can't date girls who write such fire music. Now I have to date mediocre musicians or accountants!" In light of the release of Season 3 of the Disney+ hit television series, High School Musical the Musical The Series (Not to be confused with High School Musical (2006) or High School Musical The Musical (2007)), pre-teens around the globe are being forced to relive a traumatic moment in their lives, the break up of costars Olivia Rodrigo and Joshua Bassett.… (truncated)

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"I'm staying in this box until Harvard divests from fossil fuels! With news of Lawrence Baccow stepping down from his highly coveted position as President of Harvard University, the search begins to locate the whereabouts of the next Harvard President, world renowned magician and escape artist David Blaine, who disappeared from the Harvard Corporation without a trace. “Shit, he was literally right here!” These words were spoken by Penny Pritzker, senior fellow of Harvard University,… (truncated)

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Mountain Dew deemed ineffective substitute CAMBRIDGE, MA – As the United States continues to grapple with a shortage of baby formula, a team of the nation’s top scientists are racking their brains to identify an alternative means of creating new children. “If we don’t have the baby formula, how are we supposed to make new babies? That others in the scientific community aren’t raising the alarm over this formula shortage is almost as shocking as the shortage itself,” said Robert Groh… (truncated)

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Let's play a survey Hi all! It’s me, Jigsaw, from the movie, Saw. Just popping into the GroupMe that you muted six months ago to collect some data for my final Expos paper! If you take my survey, you’ll be entered into a raffle to win one of five teeth I pulled from the victims–ahem, respondents of my club's satisfaction form last semester :)   1. What do you think of our school’s policies on the environment, the government, money, torture, politics, and that annoying guy across the… (truncated)

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You're Never Alone. 1. Get a table near an outlet to keep your computer charged. 2. Look frustrated while staring intently at the screen, typing at a minimum of 100 wpm as you devour a bowl of Marshmallow Mateys. 3. Spread out multiple books across the table. They can picture books, tabloids, or in igpay atinlay; any book will do. 4. Take a pill bottle and scribble “ADDERALL” across the front with a sharpie. Leave the bottle out in the open for everyone to see. 5. Put a sign on the… (truncated)

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Feminism Win! WASHINGTON, D.C. – At a press conference yesterday, the District of Columbia Public School system announced a plan to remove controversial, misogynistic school dress codes in an attempt to improve the district’s dismal graduation rates. The intended impact of the decision? To make school more enjoyable for boys.  The district formerly enforced a strict policy of sending girls home for wearing clothing deemed “inappropriate,” such as sleeveless tops, petticoats more tha… (truncated)

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"So yeah, it's a little outdated, but we have guaranteed singles and we're the best dining hall in the quad!" -- OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE, CAMBRIDGE, MA Since the eagerly anticipated return of full residential life to campus this fall, many Harvard students have reported that the state of their dorm rooms violate multiple local Cambridge safety codes concerning black mold and bad taste.  In response to student pushback, the Dean of Students Office released a statement this past week: “In… (truncated)

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Anakin & Palpatine 2023! 1. “You deserve a refund. Student organizations deserve increased, timely funding. We all deserve a new, effective student association that works for us.” A) UC Email B) Chancellor Palpatine   Answer: The entitled repetition of “deserve” should be a dead giveaway that this was written by a Harvard student!     2. “In order to ensure our security and continuing stability, the Republic will be reorganized into the first Galactic Empire for a safe and secure so… (truncated)

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It's a nice place, right? Just think of all the tortured souls we could fit in here! By: That Dead Girl In The Sewer From That Chain Email You Got In 4th Grade Fwd: fwd: fwd: fwd:  Hey. Sorry to drop in like this— or should I say, sorry to materialize out of your toilet while you're taking a dump like this. No, it's ok, you don't need to pull up your pants. I won't stay long. It's just— look. It's me, that girl from that chain email you got in 4th grade. You know, the girl who died… (truncated)