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Many of you are understandably confused. You do not yet know all the facts. So let me tell you one: I will be able to fill an Olympic-sized swimming pool with Sacagawea coins and use the leftovers to buy a Six-Flags water slide.\n\nBy Drew Faust\n\nDear Members of the Harvard Community,\n\nAs many of you know, today I accepted a job sitting on the Board of Directors at Goldman Sachs. Subsequently, I have received much criticism for supposedly contradicting my statements that condemned the current state of the financial system in the United States.\n\nFor example, I have noted that the financial crisis took a significant toll on so many, including members of our own community. But, if it makes you feel any better, I’m getting paid a fuckton amount of money.\n\nCAMBRIDGE, MASS. — Just a couple weeks before her 17-year career as Harvard's president comes to a close, Drew Faust surprised the Harvard community by announcing the implementation of a capstone Harvard sustainability project.\n\nDressed in denim overalls, a plaid red flannel, and a matching red bandana, Faust took to the University Hall steps to outline, before a confused smattering of nearby tourists and students, the \"transformative new initiative.\"\n\nTo the Harvard Presidential Search Committee:\n\nHey guys! What’s up? How’ve you been? Well, I hope!\n\nWe’ve been whittling down possible picks for the prez 29.0, and I think we have some great candidates! But— and this might sound crazy— hear me out: maybe we should consider… me? Just a thought!\n\nHARVARD YARD — This past Sunday, Massachusetts Hall residents were shocked to discover that the booming bass that had kept awake was in fact coming from the offices of Harvard’s President, Drew Gilpin Faust.\n\nInterviewed on his way back from Lamont, one freshman spoke out.\n\n“I thought that being in Mass Hall would suck because we wouldn’t be able to party with the president working right under us, but like… I had a pset to do,\" he said. \"I didn’t ask for this.”\n\nDear Members of the Harvard Community:\n\nAs I approach the end of my tenure as Harvard President, I must confess there is one problem I thought I’d never solve. For years, social norms against robberies from communal fridges have discouraged me from descending down to the basement of Conan O’Brian’s freshman dorm to get the one thing I truly desire: cheddar cheese.\n\nCurrently, the Harvard Corporation is searching for a successor to President Drew G. Faust, who announced her plans to step down after the 2017-2018 academic year. The Satire V editorial board has unanimously voted to endorse Executive Vice President Katie Lapp—known for her management skills as well as getting trapped under various things—to succeed Faust as University President.\n\nBy Christopher Marlowe\n\nChristopher Marlowe's classic 1588 tragedy, President Faustus , remains a landmark work of Renaissance literature. Telling the story of a brilliant but hubristic academic who sells her soul to the devil in return for 10 years of unlimited power, it has enchanted ExxonMobil CEOs and SEAS faculty alike for centuries. Satire V is proud to present Marlowe's original draft of the iconic last soliloquy.\n\nAh, Faustus,\n\nNow hast thou but one bare year to be president,\n\nAnd then thou must be damn'd perpetually!\n\nCAMBRIDGE, MA – Citing the fiscal benefits of arson insurance fraud, Harvard University President Drew G. 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This news follows reports that Feinstein died Friday morning. However, statements issued by her team as well as a photo of Mrs. Feinstein hanging from the shoulders of two young male staffers have thoroughly disproven all allegations. “Dead? No!!!! Pshhhhh! I’m still g… (truncated)","published_at":"2023-10-02T18:59:10Z"},"basis":"publisher_declared","via":["https://satirev.org/rss.xml"],"first_observed_at":"2023-10-02T18:59:10+00:00","last_confirmed_at":"2023-10-02T18:59:10+00:00","about_ref":"self","source_surface_ref":"https://satirev.org"},{"label":"Published post","value":{"url":"https://satirev.org/world/%E2%80%9Cyou-put-what-me%E2%80%9D-gushes-grateful-recipient-second-ever-pig-human-heart-transplant","title":"“You Put What in Me?!?” Gushes Grateful Recipient of Second Ever Pig to Human Heart Transplant  ","author":"satirev","summary":"College Park, MD – “Oh my god, oh my god, OH MY GOD!” yelled Jim Jerries, enthusiastically, when informed of the moment in surgical history he was now a part of, “Didn’t the last guy die?” Mr. Jerries, age 57, has the unique honor of being the second person in history to receive a pig heart transplant. The procedure, called a xenograft, is one of the many wondrous externalities provided by the status quo of the American medical system. Following the historic procedure, the world is… (truncated)","published_at":"2023-09-29T00:18:43Z"},"basis":"publisher_declared","via":["https://satirev.org/rss.xml"],"first_observed_at":"2023-09-29T00:18:43+00:00","last_confirmed_at":"2023-09-29T00:18:43+00:00","about_ref":"self","source_surface_ref":"https://satirev.org"},{"label":"Published post","value":{"url":"https://satirev.org/harvard/history-concentrator-disappointed-few-opportunities-talk-about-chiang-kai-shek","title":"History Concentrator Disappointed in the Few Opportunities to Talk About Chiang Kai Shek","author":"satirev","summary":"The man, the myth, the legend Aw man, don’t you hate when that happens?! After declaring their concentration last fall, this disappointed history student really thought they’d have more opportunities to talk about Chiang Kai Shek, also known as Chiang Chung-cheng, who was a Chinese Nationalist politician, revolutionary, and prolific military leader who served as President and Generalissimo of the Republic of China from 1928 until his death in 1975.   Chiang Kai Shek, born in Zhejian… (truncated)","published_at":"2023-09-23T18:41:14Z"},"basis":"publisher_declared","via":["https://satirev.org/rss.xml"],"first_observed_at":"2023-09-23T18:41:14+00:00","last_confirmed_at":"2023-09-23T18:41:14+00:00","about_ref":"self","source_surface_ref":"https://satirev.org"},{"label":"Published post","value":{"url":"https://satirev.org/harvard/harvard-outing-club-reports-successful-pride-month-over-50-students-outed","title":"Harvard Outing Club Reports Successful Pride Month: Over 50 Students Outed","author":"satirev","summary":"The Harvard Outing Club— famous for sponsoring student outings —has concluded its Pride Month Outing Spectacular, seeking to out students across the world in celebration of the LGBTQ+ community. Club president, Richard Closet announced “We are so proud to out as many students as we can in honor of pride month. We have digitized our outing process, so we can connect with students across the globe through virtual outings! We can even involve students’ friends, families, neighbors, and… (truncated)","published_at":"2023-07-01T19:52:32Z"},"basis":"publisher_declared","via":["https://satirev.org/rss.xml"],"first_observed_at":"2023-07-01T19:52:32+00:00","last_confirmed_at":"2023-07-01T19:52:32+00:00","about_ref":"self","source_surface_ref":"https://satirev.org"},{"label":"Published post","value":{"url":"https://satirev.org/opinion/it%E2%80%99s-not-easy-being-ally-why-i%E2%80%99m-hero-pride-month","title":"It’s Not Easy Being an Ally: Why I’m the Hero of Pride Month","author":"satirev","summary":"My name is Britney. And, well, I wouldn’t call myself a hero, but I would call myself an ally.  Pride month is upon us, so I’m taking a stand to support my bestie slay queens in the gay community (they love when I call them that!). For example, last week I protested for two hours outside a bottomless mimosa brunch. My friend Brian is a bottom, and I don’t think it’s fair that he or any bottom be denied the American right to brunch. I even asked my politician daddy to write a bill ba… (truncated)","published_at":"2023-06-30T15:43:13Z"},"basis":"publisher_declared","via":["https://satirev.org/rss.xml"],"first_observed_at":"2023-06-30T15:43:13+00:00","last_confirmed_at":"2023-06-30T15:43:13+00:00","about_ref":"self","source_surface_ref":"https://satirev.org"},{"label":"Published post","value":{"url":"https://satirev.org/us/democrats-outlaw-heterosexual-marriages","title":"Democrats Outlaw Heterosexual Marriages","author":"satirev","summary":"WASHINGTON, D.C. -  To address the anti-LGBTQ+ bills in state legislatures around the country, Democrats in Congress have proposed the Sanctity In Marriage and Planetary Science (SIMPS) Act– a bill that seeks to outlaw heterosexual marriages. Congressman Jamie Raskin (D-MD) says, “Conservatives policymakers have made clear that sex and reproduction are controlled by the government. If Republicans can restrict homosexual marriages, we can ban heterosexual marriages. We are fighting f… (truncated)","published_at":"2023-06-28T21:59:56Z"},"basis":"publisher_declared","via":["https://satirev.org/rss.xml"],"first_observed_at":"2023-06-28T21:59:56+00:00","last_confirmed_at":"2023-06-28T21:59:56+00:00","about_ref":"self","source_surface_ref":"https://satirev.org"},{"label":"Published post","value":{"url":"https://satirev.org/opinion/not-clickbait-how-feminist-movement-turned-me-gay","title":"Not Clickbait! How the Feminist Movement Turned Me Gay","author":"satirev","summary":"WASHINGTON, D.C.-  It happened to me, and it can happen to you. The feminist movement turned me gay. I was just an innocent, unsuspecting, completely heterosexual girl, straight as an arrow (granted I was always bad at archery, so my arrows always flew a little bit off path. In an arc, kind of like a rainbow. This was at my all-girls summer camp, which I REALLY loved!). I did one extra credit project on the history of gender equality in the United States to impress my really pretty… (truncated)","published_at":"2023-06-22T21:57:26Z"},"basis":"publisher_declared","via":["https://satirev.org/rss.xml"],"first_observed_at":"2023-06-22T21:57:26+00:00","last_confirmed_at":"2023-06-22T21:57:26+00:00","about_ref":"self","source_surface_ref":"https://satirev.org"},{"label":"Published post","value":{"url":"https://satirev.org/us/uh-oh-taylor-swift-nervously-reads-lyrics-google-doc-backstage","title":"Uh Oh! Taylor Swift Nervously Reads Lyrics on Google Doc Backstage","author":"satirev","summary":"CHICAGO, IL – “Goddammit, why did I have to write so many words?” During the intermission of her 174th show in her highly anticipated The Eras Tour, Taylor Swift scurries backstage to review the lyrics of her many songs. Although the artist has reached much success and fame, a key attribute of Taylor Swift is her relatability. Taylor emphasizes “I’m just like everyone else. I’m not perfect. Sometimes I forget the words– Oh sorry, I have to take this,” said Taylor, as her phone rang,… (truncated)","published_at":"2023-06-02T15:18:26Z"},"basis":"publisher_declared","via":["https://satirev.org/rss.xml"],"first_observed_at":"2023-06-02T15:18:26+00:00","last_confirmed_at":"2023-06-02T15:18:26+00:00","about_ref":"self","source_surface_ref":"https://satirev.org"},{"label":"Published post","value":{"url":"https://satirev.org/harvard/print-issue-i-march-8-2023","title":"PRINT ISSUE I, MARCH 8 2023","author":"satirev","summary":"Some day we'll have enough money to print in color :') SatV Print FINAL MAR 8, 2023.pdf SatV Print FINAL MAR 8, 2023.pdf © 2023 Category:  Harvard Tags:  print March 8 2023 print issue print Housing Day Housing Day 2023 vol 25","published_at":"2023-03-08T02:37:47Z"},"basis":"publisher_declared","via":["https://satirev.org/rss.xml"],"first_observed_at":"2023-03-08T02:37:47+00:00","last_confirmed_at":"2023-03-08T02:37:47+00:00","about_ref":"self","source_surface_ref":"https://satirev.org"},{"label":"Published post","value":{"url":"https://satirev.org/us/scottsdale-arizona-changes-name-sc%C3%BC%E2%80%A1z%C4%91%C3%A6%C5%82%C3%A9-after-realizing-rich-idiots-are-700-more-likely-visit","title":"Scottsdale, Arizona Changes Name to Scü‡zđæłé After Realizing that Rich Idiots Are 700% More Likely To Visit Locales With Weird Spellings","author":"satirev","summary":"Scü‡zđæłé, AZ– Last Tuesday, the Scottsdale Chamber of Commerce made a shocking announcement; in an effort to boost tourism income, the city would be changing its name to “Scü‡zđæłé” (Pronounced “Sc-out-ts-ts-dahl-e” or some other shit) effective January 1st, 2023. The name change is a bold move that has drawn criticism from numerous government officials, public figures, and surprisingly Ched Abbot, lead singer of the Wiggles. Suggestions for the change followed an independent surve… (truncated)","published_at":"2023-03-03T16:34:43Z"},"basis":"publisher_declared","via":["https://satirev.org/rss.xml"],"first_observed_at":"2023-03-03T16:34:43+00:00","last_confirmed_at":"2023-03-03T16:34:43+00:00","about_ref":"self","source_surface_ref":"https://satirev.org"},{"label":"Published post","value":{"url":"https://satirev.org/harvard/why-i%E2%80%99m-buying-satirev-ii-sequel-not-satire","title":"Why I’m Buying SatireV II: the Sequel [NOT SATIRE]","author":"satirev","summary":"Rumor has it, one lucky staff writer will be shot into space! I, Elon Reeve Musk (user verified because of subscription to SatireV Crimson), have purchased SatireV. You may be asking yourself, why are you doing this Elon? Why bother? You’re already so universally beloved by upper-middle-class dads, PS11 professors, and emerald mine stockholders? Why not spend some time with your eight kids? Well, after my latest successful endeavor in social media entrepreneurship, I came to an epip… (truncated)","published_at":"2022-11-23T16:03:50Z"},"basis":"publisher_declared","via":["https://satirev.org/rss.xml"],"first_observed_at":"2022-11-23T16:03:50+00:00","last_confirmed_at":"2022-11-23T16:03:50+00:00","about_ref":"self","source_surface_ref":"https://satirev.org"},{"label":"Published post","value":{"url":"https://satirev.org/harvard/why-im-declaring-lin-manuel-miranda-studies","title":"Why I'm Declaring Lin-Manuel Miranda Studies","author":"satirev","summary":"LMM 50: Jazz Hands Heyo illustrious soft-mores! I just wanted to hop on here to brag about how I just made the most important decision of my life—declaring a concentration! Boy, was this hard! Some people will claim that other life decisions are harder: whether or not to take grandma off life support, or if you should pull the lever so that a speeding trolley will kill your mom instead of seven strangers. But they’re wrong. Declaring a concentration is without a doubt the hardest ch… (truncated)","published_at":"2022-11-18T02:24:28Z"},"basis":"publisher_declared","via":["https://satirev.org/rss.xml"],"first_observed_at":"2022-11-18T02:24:28+00:00","last_confirmed_at":"2022-11-18T02:24:28+00:00","about_ref":"self","source_surface_ref":"https://satirev.org"},{"label":"Published post","value":{"url":"https://satirev.org/harvard/official-guide-lizard-club%E2%80%99s-annual-taming-lizards","title":"The Official Guide to the Lizard Club’s Annual Taming of the Lizards","author":"satirev","summary":"No Girl Lizards Allowed! Harvard’s hottest and most exclusive final club, the Lizard Club, will soon welcome its newest punch class, which can only mean one thing: it’s time for the annual Taming of the Lizards punch initiation formal!  Attendance is invite-only, and invitations will be sent by The Lizard Man. If you see The Lizard Man standing outside your window, scaly arm and sharp claws pointing directly at your torso, and vertical pupils staring straight through your soul, you… (truncated)","published_at":"2022-11-03T22:00:12Z"},"basis":"publisher_declared","via":["https://satirev.org/rss.xml"],"first_observed_at":"2022-11-03T22:00:12+00:00","last_confirmed_at":"2022-11-03T22:00:12+00:00","about_ref":"self","source_surface_ref":"https://satirev.org"},{"label":"Published post","value":{"url":"https://satirev.org/region/8-fun-facts-head-charles-regatta-weekend","title":"8 Fun Facts for Head of the Charles Regatta Weekend!","author":"satirev","summary":"The combined net worth of the people in this picture is greater than the GDP of most countries Fall is in the air and oars are in the water! See, it’s that special time of year again when the leaves change, but the spectator’s political opinions never do! In honor of the most in-crew-dible weekend of the year, here are 8 fun facts about HOCR and rowing in general! 1. Dugout canoes, the great-great grandfather of today’s slick crew shells, are the oldest vehicle type in the world, wi… (truncated)","published_at":"2022-10-24T01:55:11Z"},"basis":"publisher_declared","via":["https://satirev.org/rss.xml"],"first_observed_at":"2022-10-24T01:55:11+00:00","last_confirmed_at":"2022-10-24T01:55:11+00:00","about_ref":"self","source_surface_ref":"https://satirev.org"},{"label":"Published post","value":{"url":"https://satirev.org/harvard/guide-it-too-late-ask-person-how-their-summer-was","title":"Guide: Is it Too Late to Ask That Person How Their Summer Was?","author":"satirev","summary":"Do you really even want to know? © 2022 Category:  Harvard Tags:  social flowchart helpful summer","published_at":"2022-10-13T22:36:49Z"},"basis":"publisher_declared","via":["https://satirev.org/rss.xml"],"first_observed_at":"2022-10-13T22:36:49+00:00","last_confirmed_at":"2022-10-13T22:36:49+00:00","about_ref":"self","source_surface_ref":"https://satirev.org"},{"label":"Published post","value":{"url":"https://satirev.org/harvard/english10-student-read-too-much-fanfiction-study-serious-literature-written-second-person","title":"English10 Student Read Too Much Fanfiction to Study Serious Literature Written in the Second Person","author":"satirev","summary":"CAMBRIDGE, MA- On Monday, a reporter visited the dorm of Yura Naim (Y/N), an English 10 student refusing to read any literature on the course syllabus that was written in the second person.   Y/N's bright blue orbs were filled with emotion as she voiced her complaints, \"It's like they have no respect for the boundaries between academic and personal life.\" Y/N's golden locks, thrown up in a messy bun, trembled as she spoke. \"I want to read this stuff between 1 and 4am, under my blank… (truncated)","published_at":"2022-10-03T19:14:52Z"},"basis":"publisher_declared","via":["https://satirev.org/rss.xml"],"first_observed_at":"2022-10-03T19:14:52+00:00","last_confirmed_at":"2022-10-03T19:14:52+00:00","about_ref":"self","source_surface_ref":"https://satirev.org"},{"label":"Published post","value":{"url":"https://satirev.org/world/breaking-egyptian-museum-steals-queen-elizabeth%E2%80%99s-coffin-westminster-abbey","title":"BREAKING: Egyptian Museum Steals Queen Elizabeth’s Coffin From Westminster Abbey","author":"satirev","summary":"Not Pictured: Corgi Canopic Jars CAIRO, Egypt—Days after Queen Elizabeth’s coffin was reported stolen from Westminster Abbey, the occupied casket resurfaced on display in a new exhibit at The Egyptian Museum in Cairo. The museum denied accusations of graverobbing. “This gallery explores death and the afterlife, something which holds particular significance and meaning for the modern English. Queen Liz’s tomb belongs on display where everyone can see it,” explained Dr. Hawass, a spok… (truncated)","published_at":"2022-09-12T19:49:26Z"},"basis":"publisher_declared","via":["https://satirev.org/rss.xml"],"first_observed_at":"2022-09-12T19:49:26+00:00","last_confirmed_at":"2022-09-12T19:49:26+00:00","about_ref":"self","source_surface_ref":"https://satirev.org"},{"label":"Published post","value":{"url":"https://satirev.org/everything-else/god-fumbles-fails-save-queen","title":"God Fumbles, Fails to Save Queen","author":"satirev","summary":"God's getting benched for sure after this one LONDON, England—Both Liverpool and Manchester fans were disappointed yesterday when, after a grueling 70 years on the pitch, God failed to save the Queen. “He’s just never failed us like this before!” cried one dismayed Englishman. “I’m pretty sure he was the one who told us to keep calm and carry on way back when things looked bleak in the first half.” It had been decades of plays during which God had kept a clean sheet in every possibl… (truncated)","published_at":"2022-09-12T19:37:31Z"},"basis":"publisher_declared","via":["https://satirev.org/rss.xml"],"first_observed_at":"2022-09-12T19:37:31+00:00","last_confirmed_at":"2022-09-12T19:37:31+00:00","about_ref":"self","source_surface_ref":"https://satirev.org"},{"label":"Published post","value":{"url":"https://satirev.org/world/earz-wot-reillaigh-hahpend-wiv-vuh-queen-iss-tha-truef","title":"Earz Wot Reillaigh Hahpend Wiv vuh Queen. ISS THA TRUEF!","author":"satirev","summary":"Right, wot's all this then? *Out of respect for British readers, this article was written in English Received Pronunciation. (Also known as a British dialect or the Queen’s English)* LONDON, England—Bockinghim Palaess ass joss towld us aboeut Lizzie n awll. Iss a murkin shaeme ‘at vuh old wanker ‘ad to keick thu krumpet sew sooen.  Oi! Woss Happ-pend is sum lads fink vuh queen dieyin iss uh bit sad n awll innit? Wyle tha reist uf os blokes seiy thvat witch woss ay bloody cheeky mupp… (truncated)","published_at":"2022-09-12T02:36:41Z"},"basis":"publisher_declared","via":["https://satirev.org/rss.xml"],"first_observed_at":"2022-09-12T02:36:41+00:00","last_confirmed_at":"2022-09-12T02:36:41+00:00","about_ref":"self","source_surface_ref":"https://satirev.org"},{"label":"Published post","value":{"url":"https://satirev.org/world/breaking-russian-leader-dies-natural-causes-first-time-over-five-hundred-years","title":"BREAKING: Russian Leader Dies of Natural Causes for First Time in Over Five Hundred Years","author":"satirev","summary":"Source: Poll of Harvard Government Concentrators MOSCOW, Russia — News that former Soviet Premier Mikhail Gorbachev died on August 30th was met with shock and sadness around the world – no place more so than his native Russia. Best known for liberal policies such as glasnost and a notable stint as a Pizza Hut spokesman, Gorbachev was a controversial figure due to his role in the dissolution of the Soviet Union as well as for his unwillingness to honor the “30 minutes or its free” ru… (truncated)","published_at":"2022-09-02T00:28:11Z"},"basis":"publisher_declared","via":["https://satirev.org/rss.xml"],"first_observed_at":"2022-09-02T00:28:11+00:00","last_confirmed_at":"2022-09-02T00:28:11+00:00","about_ref":"self","source_surface_ref":"https://satirev.org"},{"label":"Published post","value":{"url":"https://satirev.org/harvard/answering-faqs-harvard-class-2026","title":"Answering FAQs for the Harvard Class of 2026","author":"satirev","summary":"\"Hi! Is there a furry club on campus? And if not, can I start one?\" - Megan Widener, Class of 2026 Nervous for First Year Orientation? Never fear! We here at the First Year Experience Office have compiled a list of answers to frequently asked questions for your convenience:  Q: Are tea kettles permitted  in the dorms? A: No. Ever since Samuel Adams (Class of 1740) led the Boston Tea Party, the Harvard Administration has been wary of permitting undergraduate students access to tea. I… (truncated)","published_at":"2022-08-26T15:15:29Z"},"basis":"publisher_declared","via":["https://satirev.org/rss.xml"],"first_observed_at":"2022-08-26T15:15:29+00:00","last_confirmed_at":"2022-08-26T15:15:29+00:00","about_ref":"self","source_surface_ref":"https://satirev.org"},{"label":"Published post","value":{"url":"https://satirev.org/us/reliving-our-parents%E2%80%99-divorce-team-joshua-team-olivia-or-team-get-mommy-and-daddy-back-together","title":"Reliving Our Parents’ Divorce - Team Joshua, Team Olivia, or Team Get Mommy and Daddy Back Together?","author":"satirev","summary":"\"I've learned my lesson. I can't date girls who write such fire music. Now I have to date mediocre musicians or accountants!\" In light of the release of Season 3 of the Disney+ hit television series, High School Musical the Musical The Series (Not to be confused with High School Musical (2006) or High School Musical The Musical (2007)), pre-teens around the globe are being forced to relive a traumatic moment in their lives, the break up of costars Olivia Rodrigo and Joshua Bassett.… (truncated)","published_at":"2022-07-22T13:36:37Z"},"basis":"publisher_declared","via":["https://satirev.org/rss.xml"],"first_observed_at":"2022-07-22T13:36:37+00:00","last_confirmed_at":"2022-07-22T13:36:37+00:00","about_ref":"self","source_surface_ref":"https://satirev.org"},{"label":"Published post","value":{"url":"https://satirev.org/harvard/search-committee-formed-track-down-harvard%E2%80%99s-next-president-david-blaine","title":"Search Committee Formed to Track Down Harvard’s Next President: David Blaine","author":"satirev","summary":"\"I'm staying in this box until Harvard divests from fossil fuels! With news of Lawrence Baccow stepping down from his highly coveted position as President of Harvard University, the search begins to locate the whereabouts of the next Harvard President, world renowned magician and escape artist David Blaine, who disappeared from the Harvard Corporation without a trace. “Shit, he was literally right here!” These words were spoken by Penny Pritzker, senior fellow of Harvard University,… (truncated)","published_at":"2022-07-18T02:08:29Z"},"basis":"publisher_declared","via":["https://satirev.org/rss.xml"],"first_observed_at":"2022-07-18T02:08:29+00:00","last_confirmed_at":"2022-07-18T02:08:29+00:00","about_ref":"self","source_surface_ref":"https://satirev.org"},{"label":"Published post","value":{"url":"https://satirev.org/us/%E2%80%9Chow%E2%80%99re-we-gonna-make-more-people-then%E2%80%9D-us-baby-formula-shortage-alarms-scientists","title":"“How’re We Gonna Make More People, Then?!”: U.S. Baby Formula Shortage Alarms Scientists","author":"satirev","summary":"Mountain Dew deemed ineffective substitute CAMBRIDGE, MA – As the United States continues to grapple with a shortage of baby formula, a team of the nation’s top scientists are racking their brains to identify an alternative means of creating new children. “If we don’t have the baby formula, how are we supposed to make new babies? That others in the scientific community aren’t raising the alarm over this formula shortage is almost as shocking as the shortage itself,” said Robert Groh… (truncated)","published_at":"2022-06-17T20:18:38Z"},"basis":"publisher_declared","via":["https://satirev.org/rss.xml"],"first_observed_at":"2022-06-17T20:18:38+00:00","last_confirmed_at":"2022-06-17T20:18:38+00:00","about_ref":"self","source_surface_ref":"https://satirev.org"},{"label":"Published post","value":{"url":"https://satirev.org/harvard/hey-it%E2%80%99s-me-jigsaw-take-survey-my-final-paper-if-you-want-live","title":"Hey! It’s Me, Jigsaw. Take This Survey For My Final Paper If You Want to Live :)","author":"satirev","summary":"Let's play a survey Hi all! It’s me, Jigsaw, from the movie, Saw. Just popping into the GroupMe that you muted six months ago to collect some data for my final Expos paper! If you take my survey, you’ll be entered into a raffle to win one of five teeth I pulled from the victims–ahem, respondents of my club's satisfaction form last semester :)   1. What do you think of our school’s policies on the environment, the government, money, torture, politics, and that annoying guy across the… (truncated)","published_at":"2022-05-13T01:12:23Z"},"basis":"publisher_declared","via":["https://satirev.org/rss.xml"],"first_observed_at":"2022-05-13T01:12:23+00:00","last_confirmed_at":"2022-05-13T01:12:23+00:00","about_ref":"self","source_surface_ref":"https://satirev.org"},{"label":"Published post","value":{"url":"https://satirev.org/harvard/7-ways-fake-working-so-it-doesn%E2%80%99t-look-you%E2%80%99re-sitting-alone-kirkland-dining-hall","title":"7 Ways To Fake Working So It Doesn’t Look Like You’re Sitting Alone In The Kirkland Dining Hall   ","author":"satirev","summary":"You're Never Alone. 1. Get a table near an outlet to keep your computer charged. 2. Look frustrated while staring intently at the screen, typing at a minimum of 100 wpm as you devour a bowl of Marshmallow Mateys. 3. Spread out multiple books across the table. They can picture books, tabloids, or in igpay atinlay; any book will do. 4. Take a pill bottle and scribble “ADDERALL” across the front with a sharpie. Leave the bottle out in the open for everyone to see. 5. Put a sign on the… (truncated)","published_at":"2022-05-04T18:37:54Z"},"basis":"publisher_declared","via":["https://satirev.org/rss.xml"],"first_observed_at":"2022-05-04T18:37:54+00:00","last_confirmed_at":"2022-05-04T18:37:54+00:00","about_ref":"self","source_surface_ref":"https://satirev.org"},{"label":"Published post","value":{"url":"https://satirev.org/us/sexualizing-women-and-removing-dress-codes-secret-keeping-our-boys-school","title":"Sexualizing Women and Removing Dress Codes: the Secret to Keeping Our Boys in School","author":"satirev","summary":"Feminism Win! WASHINGTON, D.C. – At a press conference yesterday, the District of Columbia Public School system announced a plan to remove controversial, misogynistic school dress codes in an attempt to improve the district’s dismal graduation rates. The intended impact of the decision? 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